From the EU’s “Chat Control” to the UK’s age verification, there is a growing legislative momentum across jurisdictions to regulate the Internet in the name of protecting children. The monstrosity of child sexual abuse looms large in shaping how policymakers, advocates, and the public understand the problem area of and propose solutions for detecting, reporting, and removing harmful/illegal content. Children’s safety and adults’ privacy are thus pitted against each other, deadlocked into an impasse. As technologists deeply concerned with safety and privacy, where do we go from here?