The Cracked staff brings you to the inner sanctum of dick jokes and pop culture over analysis. Welcome to Today's Topic. This week: Leonardo Da Vinci: Super Villain.
Michael and Cody have a nice chat about movies. Cody in no way becomes upset by Michael's stance on Star Wars and Han Solo. Everything is completely hunky-dory.
Because, really, know one wants to exit because they met their fate at the hands of one of these things.
It's a testament to the awesomeness of this film that it can be this rewatchable while making almost no damn sense.
Why Boba Fett probably dreads his annual performance review.
Why Bruce Wayne is clearly hiding bodies under his cave.
You don't want to know what happened after Stella got her groove back. Trust us.
The surface of the Earth is never shown, and the Jetson family never visits it. They often venture off-world like it ain't no thing, but never do...
Compared to the stuff we grew up on, today's movies are practically feminist.
The most diabolical villain of all time wasn't even a bad guy.
While you might want to file this under 'science ruins everything,' we're at least somewhat encouraged to know that it's technically possible to fart a ghost into existence.
The real reason the new 'World War Z' movie is in trouble. Zombies are terrible villains.
The creepiest thing about him was not that he was a giant rat.
Like Cody will ever beat Katy in a debate.
Starfox starsucks.
Grown ups who complain about Star Wars need to come to terms with a few things... Also, Abrams better not screw this up.
Today's Topic: Iron Man VS Batman
We still do love this movie.
We talk about Falkor a lot...
Hope you and your family had a great Wrestlemania Weekend
Kids movies are all sorts of screwed up.
IT'S ALL GAZOO!!!
Who want's to compare genitial compatibility?
Yeah, I would have sex with a Robot
Ok, hear us out on this one... The refs are like the super-ego, imposing society's rules on a player's id so he doesn't wreck himself or his jerky, drunken fans.
Video game violence causes video game violence.
Everybody be careful, this is a Today's Topic. Everybody be careful, this is a Today's Topic.
Is Aaron Sorkin writing for this show? Featuring Saturday Night Live's Noel Wells.
'How do I make them be money?'
If a movie has a wizard, chances are he's the biggest jerk around.
Exactly where did two talking mice come from anyway?
The picture of you doing that kegstand with your pants down in the middle of church may very well save humanity.
Your instrument is impotent!
LET ME FINISH!
It's like Sonic is the embodiment of 'Bullet With Butterfly Wings.'
Turns out these movies might be a little deeper than we first suspected.
SPOILER ALERT (for those of you who haven't watched history yet).
Which is unfortunate because this is easily better than 'Prisoner of Azkaban.'
All you armchair oceanographers are putting good people in the poorhouse.
We still don't have the three seashells...
Because why would aliens come to this hellhole anyway?
Everything's better when you think it's 'Dirty Dancing.'
Vomit jokes are the way to go, anyway. High risk of death? Better let the kids play.
Make sure you go out and annoy your server today!
Jim Henson, you sly devil.
We are all Ron Swanson.
"I'm trying to talk about serious issues and you bring up cartoons!"
Because, honestly, they don't need anymore money.
And you should totally feel bad for pulling for them.
This movie is more horrifying than we thought initially.
Seriously, Return of the King is the worst one.
Imagine the relief!
Yes, even the Pokemon Universe has a dark and screwed up side.
CON AIR! CON AIR?
Can someone diagram this shit out for us?
It's almost scary how well this game knows us.
Look, 'Piranha II' was his best film. Just deal with it.
Marky Mark is an evil genius.
Or: How Tolkein Just Ripped Off History.
Why do people even argue about this?
Because an accurate cop show would be totally boring.
For all our sakes, it's time to put this sexy, sexy man out to pasture.
Basically, we're all a bunch of baby birds trying to get already-eaten food from impossibly curvy women. It's science.
Aladdin pretty much spells it out in song and dance what a shady conman he actually is. But, hey, he has a goofy monkey sidekick and turned Genie into a slave, so just forget about all that nonsense. If we're being honest, Princess Jasmine might be better off with Jafar..
Carmen Sandiego does everything Indiana Jones does, plus she's educated way more kids than he has. And she's probably killed, like, 100 times more Nazis as well.
It turns out the Mad Max-type future is going to be loaded six-shooters, mustaches, and wide-brimmed hats.
Titanic Ending Fan Theory: If Rose didn't bang Jack, the mediocre artist, in the back of a luxury town car was, she wouldn't have damned her soul to an eternity along with all the people she killed.
There's a reason we don't see the Magic Pixie Dream Girl trope, featured in movies like Splash and Weird Science, anymore and the reason is super dark and super depressing. At least it's better than the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope.
The tragic events of 9/11 happened over 15 years ago, but that doesn't stop superhero movies, like Iron Man and The Dark Knight from recreating this national tragedy by destroying cities over and over and over and over again.
How do Scarlett Johansson, Mindy Kaling, and Melissa McCarthy and other women put up with this crap? Typical question for male celebrities on red carpet interviews: "How did you mentally prepare for such a challenging role?" Typical question for female celebrities: "So, like, were you able to wear panties in your costume?" What kind of questions are these?
Elliot's pretty lucky that E.T. was an idiot only interested in getting hammered, because he definitely would've spent the rest of his life slowly being devoured. And then healed. And then devoured. And so on and so forth, in a horrifying cycle.
