Queensland gets new government, Queen makes new friends and Cheney gets new heart.
Woods wins tournament, pirate party wins election and oil rich Kenya is just winning.
Wall Street bankers don't like themselves, nobody like Kyle Sandilands and DSK likes women even when they don't like him back.
Bridezilla kicked off flight, early man walked upright and La Niña declared dead with 0% chance of mourning.
Russia seeks best worker, Chinese workers seek rights and Lindsey Lohan seeks nearest bar.
Working from home more productive, Suu Kyi allowed out of home to work and royal bodyguards find themselves out of work.
Bin Ladens charged in War on Terror, drugs surrender in war on themselves and privacy invaded in war on us.
City of Churches named "best planned", church porn scandal not going to plan and fake church weddings a perfectly-planned scam.
Herpes-infected coral red-faced, stingray reveals Jesus' face and world's quietest room laughs in the face of noise.
Baldwin stalked, Kardashian balked at affair rumours and Instagram chalked a billion.
Santorum loses face, Heroin found in the wrong place, and North Koreans finally going to space.
Gay Star Wars Characters Hired, Pregnant Christian Teacher Fired, and Rick Santorum's Presidential campaign tired.
Grenades at a Cock Fight, Secret Service with ladies of the Night and TV Week Logies 'Night of Shite'.
Guns blazed in Sydney Streets, Police tased crime records and El Salvador fazed by deathless day.
TVs for Ikea, hacking a console a bad idea, and parliamentary strike more tragic than Medea
Doctors withdraw blood from teenagers, Australia withdraws troops from Afghanistan and America withdraws food from North Korea
The Roast clambers onto an ark as the headlines get swept away, Tony Abbott announces victory over the boats, and global warming announces victory over people.
The Roast harpoons the headlines for delicious research purposes, the IWC rules against Japan, and Joe Hockey announces budget cuts to be shared by all, starting with the person who writes th..
The Roast throws the headlines' shiny red ball over a cliff, Abbott accuses Palmer of buying seats, and NATO breaks up with Russia. Expect Russia & Crimea cosy Facebook pics to inspire jealousy.
The roast weaves a fine cloak out of endangered headlines, the Royal Commission is digging into union corruption, and the Coalition makes moves to ban environmental boycotts. Polluted boycotts still ok.
The Roast hires a scary clown when it's not even the headlines' birthday, Australia strikes a Free Trade Agreement with Japan, and solar energy is suffering. Thank goodness for infinite coal!
The Roast eats all the headlines' nibbles then leaves, more secretarial staff in the senate needed, and Tony Abbott continues his Asian tour. While he's away, shall we legalise something weird? #RoastTV
The Roast replaces the headlines' family with out-of-work actors, we look at Bob Carr's diaries, and young people are drinking less thanks to social media. Also, they're just doing less.
The Roast bundles together the best bits from the week so that even lazy fans of the show can keep up to date. #RoastTV
The Roast sends the headlines' grandparents back to the mill, the government is to raise retirement age to 70, and cuts loom for the ABC, starting with the hashtag department. #RoastTV
The Roast accesses and sells the headlines' passwords, 88% of people polled oppose changes to 18C, and Heartbleed haunts the internet. #Roas&^&!^ #HeartbleedisYourFriend
The Roast snaps photos of the headlines wearing something offensive at a fancy dress party, and we bring you our Royal visit special, including baby George's latest tell-all confessional. #RoastTV
We give the headlines a cheap bottle of Sauvignon Roast, Barry O'Farrell quits as NSW premier, and China to get Australian Network. #RoastTv #??Tv
The Roast bulk-bills the headlines then gives them a lollipop, Clive Palmer vows to block the the Direct Action Policy and Indonesia slams Australian spies, though not in a sexy, James Bond way. #RoastTV
The Roast spends on flying death headlines, Shorten pushes Labor reforms, and government to invest in state-of-the-art fighter jets to defend us from all those sky dangers. #RoastTV
The Roast puts the headlines in an expensive old folks' home and runs away, we look at ANZAC day souvenirs, and Hockey waxes mysterious about the budget. Hockey, you tease. #RoastTV
The Roast photobombs the headlines' selfie, Clive Palmer attracts three new MPs, and two popes get inducted into the heaven hall of fame. #RoastTV
The Roast tries to be the last organisation not investigated by ICAC, and investigates Four Corners' Manus Island investigation #RoastTV
In case the Commission of Audit suggested cuts to your memories, allow The Roast to take you through the week's events, and then maybe to lunch? Would you like to have lunch with us? #RoastTV
The Roast takes the headlines for a ,000 dinner and forgets its wallet, we look at a lunch with Hockey, and university fees set to increase, possibly to the price of a lunch with Hockey. #RoastTV
Like Fairfax journalists, we're not coming into work. Lucky for you we already have our weekly recap ready to go. #RoastTV
The Roast blows cigar smoke into the headlines' face from 200 yards away and we look at the proposed cuts to 76 government agencies. Agency for Cutting Agencies said to be safe.
The Roast goes apeshit on a cameraman in the headlines and we bury our collective head deep into a Budget document we haven't seen yet.
The Roast spends all the headlines' money on a pregnant F-15, and we bring you the latest on the budget. Spoiler alert: your favourite things got cut.
The Roast throws the headlines off the cliff of financial optimism, we look at the newly angered state premiers and soaring uni fees. Just as well knowledge is wealth... sort of.
Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we couldn't afford to make an episode this Friday. As such, enjoy The Roast's recap, taking you through our biggest and best coverage of the week.
The Roast chops up the headlines and mixes them into a stew, we look at youth unemployment and Tony Abbott slumps in the polls. Lucky Abbott's employed or he'd have two things to worry about.
The Roast upgrades the headlines' phone so the old charger no longer works, Bill Shorten faces disunity among party members, and NAPLAN stresses out school kids. Just wait for HECS kids!
The Roast winks like a giggly child at the headlines' misfortunes, we look at Australia's credit rating and continuing student protests. Don't they have a university to go t... oh... probably not.
The Roast collects $7 from the headlines after they've dropped their pants and coughed, we look at the PM's worst week, and medical co-payments. It's a good time to be in perfect health and not age.
In case your television was also cut in the budget, you still have time to catch up on this week's stories in our recap of the week's biggest stories. Just need to find a friend with a TV.
The Roast tells the headlines to shut up and stop complaining about the budget, and we bring you the latest in the budget developments.
The Roast sexies up the headlines to get clicks, Roger Rogerson gets arrested, and Bronwyn Bishop faces accusations of bias, but she's not the ABC so the Coalition probably won't mind.
The Roast puts the headlines in a creepy maze with no exit, we look at Senate Estimates and Brandis still under fire for the Racial Discrimination Act. It's like people don't like racism or something.
The Roast puts on a tutu and pirouettes into the headlines, Joe Hockey under fire, and Peppa Pig under threat, but no pig puns on The Roast, not even hammy o- *The EPG writer has been fired*
If you've been preparing for the incoming budget by living in the wild and nibbling moss, worry not, as we've compiled our favourite bits from the week's news stories.
The Roast pushes an iceberg towards the HMS headlines, we look at the potential changes to HECS fees, and explore rumours surrounding a Turnbull challenge for leadership.
The Roast starts a rumour about the headlines to get more attention, Obama sets environmental policy in motion, and we look at the Bolt / Turnbull situation. No reason, we just want to get mentioned in Parliament.
The Roast plays really loud guitar all night next door to the headlines, we look at the turmoil in Victoria and the reaction to Clive Palmer's insensitive comment.
The Roast tells the headlines that Santa is real but dead, the Liberals are accused of tricking the Nationals, and we follow Abbott's progress abroad. While he's away, let's go all out with the bias.
If you're like Tony Abbott and you're overseas, here is all the week's news in one handy recap. Don't know why you'd watch this if you're overseas. Go outside and enjoy yourself!
The Roast flies the headlines to Boston to learn about Australia, and we look at the PUP senators' educational adventures in the States. It's our "Who on Earth Thought That Was A Good Idea?" special.
The Roast puts a Great White in the headlines' bathtub, we look at Abbott's fight against Obama on climate, and the shark cull in WA.
The Roast changes all the locks on the headlines' home, we try to find Labor, and look at a questionable ad campaign from Sportsbet. Usually these gambling companies are so easy to look up to.
The Roast gets excited by headlines about a ball moving from some grass to some other grass, we look at Hockey's reaction to budget criticism, and the build up to the World Cup in our new not-really-news segment.
The Roast takes a look back at the week that was including our guide to the World Cup and-- AW REF COME ON, WHAT GAME ARE YOU WATCHING?!?!?
Tonight we dip into the archives: NSW gets random breath testing and Prime Minister Harold Holt drowns. Should have caught a water taxi.
Web Extra featuring an original song by Seaton Kay-Smith.
Justin Bieber goes down in ring, James Cameron goes down in mini-sub, and weight of Israeli models goes up.