Alright, smart guys, answer me this: If God didn't want us to pee all over our beds then why did he make them the place where we have sex most of the time? Check and mate!
Here's a tip for all you aspiring magicians out there: If the party you're attending starts to drag, just gather a group, perform any trick in your repertoire, and watch amazed as every drop of vaginal moisture in the room... disappears!
Look. I'm not saying that James is a sociopath who is one bad day away from killing us all without a glimmer of remorse muddying those beautiful baby blues. I'm saying he's zero bad days away.
For those of you too young to remember, Nick Arcade was a popular 90s game show in which children answered video game trivia for a chance stumble around a local TV weatherman simulator.
Answer key: a. Martha b. Bat-Nipples c. The other Martha d. Ben Affleck's girdle e. Superman banging that chick on the Statue of liberty f. Both Marthas.
I haven't seen the Chris Evans dick pic but I imagine that much like Chris himself, it's vascular, topped with beautiful blond hair, and regrets appearing in "Push".
Can somebody out there invent a time machine and put it in a failed 80's sports car? I need to go back and make out with my mom real quick.
How dare you suggest that we filmed this years ago and never found the right place for it but are sick of looking at it in our queue?! The balls on some people.
Aw, lucky! At my summer camp all I learned how to do was make friendship bracelets and take beatings.
The couple that expresses impacted canine anal glands together, stays together.
Fun Fact: Bandicoots are the only animal in all of Australia that is not actively trying to kill you from the moment it wriggles slick and shrieking from its mother's pouch.
This is just like one of those old timey themed murder mystery parties except here I don't have to stumble on my wife banging some dude dressed as a railroad tycoon.
I haven't seen a video game ruin friendships this badly since "The Bruce/Bones Rainbow Road Track Jump Debacle" of 1999. He got so mad he beat me with my own Sixpence None the Richer mix CD.
Sorry, guys. I really tried to wring out another "bust" pun for the title of this video, but I'm spent. I was hoping for a stroke of genius and ended up with jack. Sometimes the ideas keep coming and coming but today I'm shooting nothing but blanks. If any of you wanna share your tips, I'll make sure you don't get shafted on the credit.
Make sure to tune in again next week when we have Ryan try to navigate Actual Reality. Spoiler alert: He breaks three fingers trying to to open a checking account.
Someday far in the future, your grandchildren will hop up on your lap and ask you what 2020 was like. And then, with tears in your eyes and shame in your heart, you'll have to explain how your generation allowed three separate Walking Dead shows to be on the air at the same time.
Performing meaningless chores and waiting for a loved one to inevitably murder you? Is this a video game... or my marriage?! Aaaaghahahahahahahahaha! It's funny 'cuz we hate each other and ourselves.
I get that those planes hitting the towers was a big deal and all, but it was no excuse for everybody to ignore my freshly frosted tips. Walk and chew gum, people.
If you sit in a pentagram of candles and play the audio of this gameplay backwards at half speed, you just might hear Jon's secret recipe for his Nana's buttery, award winning Pecan Sandies.
Thank your lucky stars that a real president like George W. Bush was around back then to keep our precious tritium reserves out of the hands of the terrorists.
"We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita: Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and, to impress him, takes on his multi-armed form and says, 'Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.' I suppose we all thought that, one way or another." "Right. Sooo did you want the fries, or side salad, or...?"
Traveling back to 2003 to wake you up inside while catching sperm and reminiscing about the comedic reign of Dane Cook.
Sit down and Sta 'zitto. You are about to watch The Speed Boyz zip through Super Mario 64, Sunshine, and Galaxy while trying to impress Bones with their knowledge of Italian trivia.
The couple that expresses impacted canine anal glands together, stays together.
Throwin' back to 2004 when Conan's thighs were juicy, the Catholic church got kinky, and Monday's still sucked.
We built this company on a foundation of queefs and can't figure out why people keep saying we are full of hot air.
Spread the peanut butter on one piece of bread. Spread the jelly on the other side. Put the two pieces of bread together to form a sandwich. Toddler adaptation: cut off crusts before serving.
Pastafarian Prayer: Our pasta, who art in a colander, draining be your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy sauce be yum, on top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trample on our lawns.
No one talks about the fact that zombies are most likely pooping their pants non-stop.
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit. Bubbles was hands down the best character in The Wire. Fight me.
Don't fret Jon. I'll totally let you borrow my PS5! SIKE.
In this episode we travel back to 2007 & look back at Ryan's days on the clothing optional farm. Some co-op photos provided by Meg Seidel
This gameplay was so frustrating they had to invent six new swears just to make it through. I'm not sure what "Shrunt" even means, but best not to say it in front of your Nana.
My parkour is getting out of bed in the morning without rolling back and forth three times and pulling my groin.
If you think Dubbya ducking that shoe was impressive, you should see all the war crimes charges he's dodged. BOOOOOOMM! Take that you obscenely wealthy, untouchable political scion!
It's time to show that cyber-stuff! Now casting Bottom's Up 2! We are searching for the next big thing in booty. Do you have what it taints?
Leave it to Ryan to nearly give himself a sweat-soaked heart attack while inflating a rubber swan.
1 pound dried black-eyed peas (fresh or canned black-eyed peas can be substituted) 2 tablespoons vegetable oil 6 ounces pork shoulder, diced into 1/2-inch cubes 4 strips thick sliced bacon, cut into 1/2-inch pieces 1 medium onion, small diced 4 garlic cloves, sliced 1 1/2 teaspoons salt 1 teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper 1 teaspoon garlic powder 4 cups chicken stock 2 cups water 3 bay leaves Hot-pepper vinegar, as desired If using dried black-eyed peas, put them in a large pot and cover with about 4 inches of water. Soak the peas overnight, then drain the water and rinse. Alternatively, you can "quick-soak" the peas by bringing them and the water to a boil for 2 minutes. After this, remove them from the heat, cover the pot and soak the peas for 1 hour. Then, drain and rinse the peas. Heat the oil in a large pot over medium-high heat. When the oil is shimmering, add the pork. Sear until the pork is browned on all sides, 4 to 5 minutes. Add
Sure. It's easy to laugh about how horny Jacob is these days when you're not the one hosing down his crunchy Phantom Menace bedsheets every morning.
It's my last description before break and I'm fucking tired so just imagine something here about Jacob's wiener, then pepper in a few "Just the Ten of Us" references and you're basically there.
Funhaus Movie Details: Friday the 13th Edition! It took two films before Jason became the actual killer, three films before he donned the now iconic hockey mask, and five before we got to watch the guy from Juwanna Mann get impaled on a toilet.
Jeopardy? Never heard of it. I'm more of a Win, Lose, or Draw man myself. Shapes is pretty. Words is hard.
I never really played Smash Bros in college. I was too busy getting laaaaaaaiiid! Wait. Hold on please. *(checks earpiece)* Apologies. I'm now being told that I actually spent my college years eating Mama Celeste pizzas and downloading Farscape episodes off of Limewire.
Most popular Canadian food court stalls: Wetzel's Cretons Tourtière on a Stick sBannock Mademoiselle Fields Butter Tarts Poutine Julius
My body count? That's a very personal matter and I'm disgusted that you would even ask and one and a half is totally average for someone my age please don't google it.
Maybe if they had given that STD a less delicious name, I wouldn't have been so eager to spread it to so many people.
Making all these decisions in real life can be so stressful. That's why I started three separate families in three different states. One of them is bound to be fulfilling, right?
Før du blir sint på at Thor er en kvinne i neste film, kan du prøve å huske at han allerede har vært en frosk, en hestefremmende, en morderisk robot og en tilfeldig manns sønn.
Funhaus Internet Browsing Tip of the Day: Please feel free to take a bracing shot of the 80 proof liqueur of choice before deciding to visit the Wikipedia page for "And Then There Were None".
Four tampons a month?! Jeez. How much of that weird blue liquid to you gals produce anyways?
I never actually went to a rave when I was in high school but I was covered in sweat most of the time and owned two Fatboy Slim CDs sooo...
Ryan and ten of his friends once successfully staged an elaborate Vegas heist to rob The Bellagio of its heavily guarded sweatpants reserves.
Coincidentally, at the very same time that Thomas Edison was inventing the phonograph, his rival Nikola Tesla was hunched over his own desk, perfecting everybody's asshole cousin that won't shut up about how much warmer the sound is.
I'm pretty sure I saw Teeth Hole Stuffers open for Save Ferris at the Warped Tour back in '96.
Within a one year period we got Vice Versa, 18 Again!, Like Father Like Son, and Dream A Little Dream. Apparently, the only thing 80s movie producers liked more than cocaine was... well nothing. But body swapping comedies were a close second.
Gather round and witness the finest Hoopsmen and Ballsmiths west of the Mississip' as they toss the old boulder into the rutabaga crate with the utmost savvy and panache!
This video first blossoms on your tongue with subtle hints of mulberry and vanilla, before releasing powerful notes of young oak and shooting dudes in the f*cking face.
Jojn the Funhaus gang as they try to work out the bugs of First Class Trouble but mostly just accidentally eject each other out of airlocks.
You inherited a farm?! Lucky! All my Grampa left me was a watch, three packs of nudie playing cards, and alcoholism.
Come witness the greatest rivalry since Magic and Bird! Seriously, I once saw a pigeon go to town on an old deck of Magic: The Gathering cards. It made a real mess.
Just got my test results from the doctor and apparently my blood type is Cool Ranch.... I said Cool Ranch... You know, like the Dorit- aw f*ck it. Never mind. You people don't deserve me.
This is what happens when you let Ryan use a burner flip phone he found in the trash as a WIFI hotspot.
Don't make a ball joke, don't make a ball joke, don't make a ball joke... ... ... Phew. Now that wasn't so ba-nutstestesgonadsemen!!! Dammit.
I really shouldn't make fun. I pitted out two shirts just writing this description.
WARNING: The following show features stunts performed under the supervision of professionals on a closed set. Accordingly, Rooster Teeth insists that no one attempt to re-create or re-enact any stunt or activity performed in this program. Wear your seatbelts, Funhaus fans!
WARNING: The following show features stunts performed under the supervision of professionals on a closed set. Accordingly, Rooster Teeth insists that no one attempt to re-create or re-enact any stunt or activity performed in this program. Wear your seatbelts, Funhaus fans!
Barb, Diction, and TayderTot join the Funhaus gang for some deception, murder, and... (checks notes) Jodie Foster impressions?
Barb, Diction, and TayderTot join the Funhaus gang for another round of Jon Smith Throws His Controller on the Ground and Calls His Mom To Come Pick him Up.
Its Jacob's world, we are all just trying not to get murdered in it.
You know we could all save A LOT of time if they just installed some security cameras in that damn mansion.
Hide your couches, hide your ottoman. Ryan's peeing on everything up in here.
Ah crap, this means I only have 364 days to dust off my sun frock and ask them to draw me like one of their French girls!
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a cabbage by its ability to climb a ladder, it will live its whole life believing that it is coleslaw.
"Wait'll they get a load of how I got these reach-arounds." Jocular Man ("Forever Bats", 1995)
Du må betale bompenger for å komme inn i denne guttens hull. Du må betale bompenger for å komme inn.
Cowboy Wizards are exactly like regular wizards except every spell is just the chorus to Friends in Low Places sung backwards.
If you type "ZELDA" into the comments thread of this video, you open up an entirely new gameplay where all the jokes are moved around and harder to find.
I don't care how many house flipping couple shows they throw at us, none will ever be able to match the original playful yet blistering sexual chemistry of The Property Brothers.
If that new Ghostbusters movie doesn't end with all of the cast in a stupid Renaissance painting for no reason whatsoever, I swear to god I'll coat the theater in pink slime and drive it right into the ocean.
Here's a fun Golf w/ Your Friends drinking game: Take a shot every time somebody makes a "hole" pun then be dead before the back nine.
It takes some time and it can get a little messy, but nothing can match the tang of fresh Ketamine straight from the horse.
Disclaimer: Every Funhaus cast member model featured in this video is fully anatomically correct, except for Jacob's. We crashed three Crypto mining farms trying to render that hog.
I almost named this one "Obstacle Horse" but then I realized I should probably let somebody else be the the funniest, most clever Funhaus member of all time for a change.
It's been a while but I think "The Horse's Bowtie" is when you're banging in a meadow and you feed your partner apples until they throw up all over your neck.
Handsome, talented, funny, into Crossfit and Peloton, great cook, and silky smooth voice that soaks every pair of chonies in the room. Yup. Classic nerd.
This new edgy Jacob came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and he’s down to three packs of Juicy Fruit and half a roll of Bubble Tape.
Okay, Your Majesty. If you know of a fast and inexpensive way to keep YOUR sex doll free of grit and grime, I'd love to hear it. Seriously though, tell me. Mine's starting to smell like a Red Lobster mop bucket.
Personally, I can't stand the taste of McDonald's ,but I think that's because my mom used to beat me with a floppy red shoe.
"Hey there, roomie! What are you in for?" "I killed six librarians and made a papasan chair out of their skin. You?" "I played some illegally sourced video games." "..." "So, should I just tattoo your name across my ass now or...?
This new edgy Jacob just got his three month chip from Chocoholics Anonymous.
Back in 1999 we didn't have any of these disgusting misogynistic nude mods, so we just jacked off to the unlockable Dino Crisis costume. You know, like gentlemen.
This new edgy Jacob once pulled off a daring daytime bank robbery in which he walked away with over four hundred unmarked, nonsequential lollipops.
And to think, all those poor ghosts wanted was to reach them to discuss their car's extended warranty.
We’d like to state for the record that we take shrinkage EXTREMELY seriously. Especially, when it comes to our abuelitas.
Alright, come clean. Which one of you told Patrick to dress up like every girl who refused to bang me in high school?
"Ahm puttin' this whole fawkin' iceberg in my reahview!" (High fives self. Waits patiently by door for Worlds Greatest YouTube Description Writer trophy to arrive in the mail)
I wish Twilight had come out when I was in high school. My more nuanced take on stalking and emotional abuse would've seemed much tamer by comparison.
I bet even with the hot sauce, Jacob somehow still tastes like orange blossoms, Nana's chocolate chip cookies, and your first kiss all rolled into one.
You think coins are bad? Try tipping strippers with autographed Funhaus t-shirts and see how quickly your neck meets the clammy, AXE-scented embrace of a bouncers forearm.
Red Blood Ryan would rather dip his balls in holy water than drink from any of you vaccinated beta sheeple!
Jacob's favorite sexual position is called "AT-AT Style". Thats where he runs around you in a circle, tangling your legs in rope til you trip, then finishes on your face.
My favorite game at Chuck E Cheese was jumping into the ball pit and trying to find the one that wasn't covered in ringworm.
"Mom, have you seen my black trench coat with all the safety pins on it? Why would would you throw it away?! I ripped it up like that on purpose! Ugh, I hate it here! You're ruining my life! I'm going to Jürgen's house." Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1859)
Jell-O shots are the perfect drink for someone who wants to get just a little bit drunk and a lot diabetic.
While every other "Body Swap" movie in the 80s had the kid creepily ALMOST sleep with an adult woman, only "Big" had the courage to DEFINITELY make that boy bang the frosty toy company executive lady. Thanks, cocaine.
I'll stop making jokes about how shitty cats are when you all stop pretending that they wouldn't slash your throat and nap in the puddle for one of those crystal goblets of wet food with the parsley on top.
Ancient rituals, filthy cramped living conditions, a love of popped collars, and problematic views on consent. It all adds up.
Someday the police are going to kick in the door to Jacob's basement and find two dozen naked bodies sprawled motionless on the floor. Not because he killed them, but because banged them so good they couldn't make it up the stairs.
Thanks to Back 4 Blood for sponsoring this video. Back 4 Blood is available on Xbox Game Pass on PC, console and cloud.
Jacob's new favorite sexual position is called The Tauntaun. That's when you crank up the AC, ride around on your partner's back until they collapse, then soak inside them until morning.
If you solve a Rubik's Cube at midnight, Jacob Fullerton will appear and introduce you to the excruciating delights of model building and getting to second base.
Got it. When traveling to the past DO NOT step on any butterflies for fear of altering the future, but DO shoot arrows into half of Rome and turn everything into gold for no reason.
Jacob's new favorite sexual position is called The Agent Cooper. That's when you have your partner put on a red suit and talk backwards while you finish yourself off onto a slice of pie.
What's the name of that kids game where you all line up to get picked for teams but nobody wants you even thought they'd be a man down so you just wait there as they all walk to the field and then you hide in that one tube slide that always has a puddle at the bottom and read Stargate SG-1 paperbacks by yourself again?
Video Game Mascots' Favorite Foods: Sonic: Chili Dogs. Bubsy: Chicken a la King. Spyro: Vegan Burrito Bowl, no Cilantro (says it tastes like soap). Banjo-Kazooie: Ambrosia Salad and CostCo Chicken Bakes, respectively. Gex: P*ssy.
Ryan's memory palace is a double wide trailer full of old mannequin legs and notes written on crumpled Krystal Sackful boxes.
Jacob's new favorite sexual position is called The New Hope. That's when you let Frank McQuarrie give your partner the best bang of their life, but you take all the credit for four decades.
I never had braces when I was a kid. I was already a short, obese, swing dancer with a ponytail and bad skin. The orthodontist said if they were gonna give me braces they might as well save some money and buy me a length of rope and a rickety stool instead.
Every page of Wocket in My Pocket reads like somebody dared Dr. Seuss to come up with twenty-four pages of racial slurs in as many minutes.
In Ryan's defense, it is super annoying when the TSA make you remove the drawstring of your pants and the kleenex boxes you've been wearing since your shoes got caught in the gears of that tilt-a-whirl.
Don't feel bad for Ryan. This is the best meal he's had in a while that didn't involve being chased out of a realtor's open house.
How much longer until TikTok is only used by racists, people's aunts, and members of your mom's saucy, sassy, menopausal book club?
Uh oh. Edgy Jacob is back with a vengeance! Mothers, better lock up your model glue and non-canonical Star Wars paperbacks!
Jacob went this whole video without ever once saying "I have the high ground" and now I will never feel safe again.
So, if you're keeping track at home, the list of things Patrick despises currently consists of theme parks, the TV show friends, the sound of an infant laughing, most types of revelry, and merrymaking of any sort.
Quick! Somebody cue that shitty Moby song! No, the other one. Not the one with Gwen Stefani, either. It's the one from the- y'know what, never mind! Is Fatboy Slim still alive?
Make fun of this New Age stuff all you want, but when's the last time they found a mass grave of children behind a Reiki studio?
Motility classifications of sperm: Non-motile - No movement at all. Progressively motile - swim forward in an essentially straight line. Non-progressively motile - Swim in an abnormal path or tight circles. Hailey motile - Lose their way, are later found asleep on a discarded futon mattress two towns over.
Wait. So only royalty can invoke Prima Nocta? Well, I know one building manager who will be getting a VERY stern letter with the next rent check.
I thought 2022 would be the year I finally see a slight sparkle of respect in my children's eyes looking back at me. But here we are, one week in and I'm already making perineum jokes.
Careful, guys. The last time someone did a Walken impression in Kevin Pollack's territory, they were beaten half to death by a passable Peter Falk.
How much closet space does one normally need to store a moldy foam chicken mask, three pairs of tattered sweatpants, and a drum and a half of dangerously bad moonshine?
How can Australian police ever figure out if someone was murdered when every biological obscenity on that charred hellscape of an island is constantly trying to kill you?
"We have not even to risk the adventure alone for the heroes of all time have gone before us. The labyrinth is thoroughly known … we have only to follow the thread of the hero path. And where we had thought to find an abomination we shall find a God. Also, make sure the main character tries to fuck his sister." Joseph Campbell
Opinions are like *ssholes. Everybody has one, and nobody's paid attention to mine since 2008.
Least Anticipated Upcoming MCU Films: ROM: The First SpaceKnight Great Lakes Avengers: Endgame Thor: But He's a Frog Now Lady Stilt-Man: Into the Lady Stilt-verse Eternals 2
Once, my partner asked me to fill their Sietch with my Shai-Hulud and I pre-spiced so hard my CHOAM was sore for a week.
Do dragons have two penises like real lizards or do I need to completely repaint the side of my van?
I don't need some stupid piece of paper to tell people I am thoroughly devoted to my partner. That's what all the bruises are for.
All you haters who complained about Fant4stic were probably just lost because you didn't see Fant3stic. Fant5stic is where things really kicks into gear.
Not all Italian Americans are crass, volatile, simpletons who constantly cheat on their wives. Some of us are unmarried.
MYTH: Every time Jacob climaxes, somewhere a fat, wrinkly, little puppy teaches a hardened convict how to love again. BUSTED: Sometimes it's a kitten wearing a little handkerchief.
Y'know what? Now that you mention it, men and women do react to certain social situation differently. Huh? Have you any provocative thoughts on airplane peanuts?
I tried to make a list of all the things Jacob ISN'T good at and so far all I've got is growing a full beard, capoeira(unconfirmed), and ordering drinks without umbrellas in them.
I did it! I finally came up with a train-based title that didn't reference running one, getting railed, or hobos jacking each other off. I may just win back those visitation rights yet!
In the 1800's the only beverages that didn't have cocaine in them were unpasteurized goat milk, sacramental wine, and laudanum.
Sorry, TikTok. Call me old fashioned but I prefer to appropriate Black culture face to face, like my parents and grandparents before me.
Games? Please. I only use my VR rig for three things: accessing my seductive boss's secret files, banging naïve lady cops after being cryogenically frozen, and turning landscapers into murderous super geniuses.
The only thing John Harvey Kellogg hated more than people banging was people not shoving yogurt up their asses.
They said nobody could take a game about four colorful little squares jumping on platforms and make it too dirty for YouTube, but they never met a little channel called Funhaus.
Extree! Extree! Body found in local park. Police conclude mouthy dame probably had it comin'! Idiot Detective on the case! Will not rest until every commie hobo gets treated to some chin music!
My parents could only afford the off-brand Legos they sold at the swap meet. They were okay, except instead of that little orange separator tool, each box came with the mocking laughter of your peers.
Like my mother always said, "It's never too early to start fat-shaming your children. Now quit crying into your Dulcolax and hand me my smokes". We aren't currently speaking.
Being crowned "The Sexiest Man Alive" on a cruise ship is kinda like winning "Best Smelling Unicycle Seat" at Burning Man.
If Barbie were an actual women, she would be 5’9” tall, have a 39” bust, an 18” waist, 33” hips, and would likely have a BMI too low to properly menstruate. In other words: Perfect.
Ah, who could forget the classic "Lovable Bespectacled Child Dies of Anaphylaxis" movie era of the early 90s. It was a refreshing change from all the body swapping silliness of the 80s.
If "Short People" is just meant to be a satirical look at the absurdity of prejudice, then why do I have all these crawlspaces full of jockey skeletons?
By the late 70s, Studio 54 was the only club in the world where you could listen to Alan Alda give a passionate lecture on the Equal Rights Amendment while watching Liza Minelli tug off half the cast of Welcome Back Kotter.
Pretty soon there's gonna be a whole lot of confused moms out there wondering why their perfect little test tube miracles shriek with terror every time they see a pair of pants with belt loops.
Mark Wahlberg wanted to dig deep into his Boston roots for his role in The Departed, but sadly producers couldn't find two Vietnamese men willing to be blinded for scale.
Once, a few years ago, Jacob's Magnum condom tore under the strain of his considerate yet determined lovemaking. Nine months later his girlfriend gave birth to a shrieking litter of Gundam models and gently used copy of Truce at Bakura.
Benjamin Franklin also proposed the creation of a simpler alphabet, removing redundant letters and adding a few of his own. When asked why he felt this was necessary, Franklin mumbled something incomprehensible from beneath the heaving breasts of several aged French prostitutes.
You Zoomers haven't lived until you've spent an entire afternoon downloading a single fake nude pic of Sarah Michelle Gellar, wedged between some nerd playing Everquest and a wrongly accused woman on the run, desperately trying to clear her name.
If it weren't for Ronald Reagan swimming across the Bering Sea and personally banging the collectivist ideology out of every Soviet citizen, we'd all be slurping borsht right about now.
To get into Studio 54 in those days it was either make out with Bowie or listen to Dali talk about surrealist automatism and mustache wax for like the millionth time. You'd be puckering up too.
Sure. Everybody looooves Super Smash Bros. But I punch a baby gorilla in a baseball hat off a cliff and suddenly I'm not allowed to see my kids anymore.
This is the longest Jacob has been outside since the day his tiny reed basket washed up on the steps of the Funhaus offices all those years ago.
For those of you who are new to professional wrestling, the "Attitude Era" was defined mostly by performers donning a lot of black clothing and gimmicky makeup before killing their entire family and themselves.
REALLY JON? REALLY? Keep my wookie’s name out of your f*&#king mouth!
Just imagine… a world in which these were the only kind of unsolicited weenie pics in your inbox. One can dream!
This just in: Ryan Hailey 5% Irish Attorney At Law is now representing any and all child Bengals fans who bullied and/or asked "Whose house?!" during/after the events of Super Bowl LVI. If you or someone you love under 4'11 has suffered emotional distress following these events please contact the law office of Ryan Hailey 5% Irish Attorney At Law .
I may not be able to rattle of the names of all the Supreme Court Justices but I sure as heck can tell you all the secret menu items at at at least three American fast food chains.
In France, Parkour artists do everything the Americans can do, but with a lit Gauloises in one hand and their favorite mistress' chatte in the other.
Jesus' Ultimate Cross Training Workout: Step 1: Bulk up on bread and wine with your bros. Step 2: Drag a literal cross up a hill. Step 3: Die on that shit. Step 4: Three day cut and cool down in a dank ass cave. Step 5: Roll a boulder the f*ck out your way and ascend to heaven like a boss.
Whatever, nerds. My grandfather took a chest full of REAL shrapnel back in WWII and all he got out of it was a lifetime of arrhythmia and medal from Mussolini.
The Mothman, the Jersey Devil, Chupacabra, Nessie. Oh sorry. I was just listing things I'd rather be f*cked by than watch a single episode of Finding Bigfoot.
I'd like to say that Don Bluth would be offended by all this artwork but have you played Dragon's Lair? His only note would probably be that the nipples weren't long enough.
If you ever have any trouble understanding the X-Men continuity, just remember that Professor X is MLK, Magneto is Malcolm X, the Legacy Virus is AIDS, and Maggot is f*cking stupid.
Hawaii is by far my favorite formerly unincorporated, illegally annexed American imperial holding. But keep your chin up, Sarigan of the Northern Mariana Islands. Your day will come.
The death of a child is never EVER something to laugh about. Unless they were brutally murdered by Las Vegas funnyman Terry Fator, performing live every Thursday, Friday and Sunday at 7:30 and 9:30 PM, only at New York-New York Hotel and Casino!
Jacob doesn't need gamma rays to make him angry. Once I asked him if Gundams were the same as Transformers and he got so mad he cut the tip of my dick off with his nippers.
Sure, Outback Steakhouse says "No Rules, Just Right", but slip you d*ck into just one warm, welcoming, pillowy-soft loaf of their brown bread and see how fast the cops show up.
Instead of hosing out the innards of my Real Doll I just leave it all in there to cure. Over time you will create thriving microbiome of competing flora and fauna, much like a terrarium or your colon.
This is still better than the Spider-Man comic that takes place in a future where Doc Ock's arms drag his corpse around town and Peter killed Mary Jane with his semen.
My partner was super picky about their diamond engagement ring. They demanded a certificate of authenticity, a laboratory purity test, and a dated photograph of the seven year old who yanked it from the ground.
Leave it to Funhaus to once again rely on cartoonish Italian stereotypkjkiwsyh. Oops. Sorry about that. A meatball rolled off this plate of ziti my goomah made, right onto the keyboard. Mama mia!
I'm not saying that model railroad building is the whitest hobby, but all those guys brewing undrinkable IPAs in their garages better watch their backs.
Okay, who had "Young Boy's Corpse Made Into Ventriloquist Dummy" in the Bits We Thought Were Too Dark Even for Funhaus pool?
If the woke left can inflict their sex-obsessed, non-binary agenda on our leanest, smoothest, stickiest, most sinewy, pliable and latex-clad superhero, then nobody is safe.
There's a reason Tennessee is known as "The Get Pregnant From a Hot Tub State."
Nothin' says lovin' like puffy-nipped furries, tiny gorilla wieners, and Sylvester Stallone's underpants brimming with poop.
You've got a ant in me. Yeah, you got a ant in me. When the uh... ants look rough ahead, And yer miles and miles From your nice warm... ant bed? Hold up, now. What do ants sleep on? Doit? Do they jus' sleep in the doit? Oh well, Ol' Randy gon' push on through. Heah we go! You just remember what your old pal said Boy, you've got an ant in aaaaants!
This is a sentence that I hoped I'd never have to say, but... I've run out of murder-suicide jokes for these wrestling videos. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better whatever this job is. I'll go pack my things.
Hooters is a great place to eat if you kinda like Buffalo Wings, but REALLY like hiding your erection under a pile greasy paper napkins.
Ugh. I forgot about rollerbladers. I guess I have to add them into the list of people who were cooler than me in high school, right between the speech therapy class and the kid who read Farscape novels alone by the dumpsters.
Is it still Fruit By the Foot if you dump them all in a bowl and eat them by the handful like Fiddle Faddle, paper and all?
Somewhere right now in the multiverse, a father is stumbling through Disney's RTX Red Rock Land, getting hammered on "Mars Milk" while his shitty kids build replica IRIS bots.
Back in the 80s James was swimming around in toys like Scrooge McDuck, while all poor Wheezy had was a tattered Michael J Fox poster and a robot that transformed into Prime Minister Brian Mulroney.
Wait, we're searching for a wolf to mate with? Perfect! All my years of submissive peeing will finally pay off.
This video is brought to you by Reno, Nevada! Reno: Enjoy all the racism of the deep south without the chance of running into any actual people of color.
Funhaus Zany Chuck Norris Fact #87: Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice, then endorsed accused serial sexual predator Roy Moore for senate in Alabama's 2017 special election.
It's nice to finally see Ryan rushing to finish something other than a six-pack of Budweiser or a sperm donation.
Seven Deadly Sins? I've done them all. Wrath. Envy. Using the term "awesome-sauce". Rooting through an ex-girlfriend's trash for old conditioner bottles so I can smell her in the nighttime. Sloth. You name it.
It's easy to laugh at some weirdo s***ing off a horse, but in reality it's sickening, cruel, and almost criminal to waste that much perfectly good seed.
I prefer to wear the same color skin suit every day, like Einstein. That way, instead of worrying about fashion I can devote all my brain power towards mimicking normal human emotion in public.
This International Women's Day treat the lady in your life to something truly special, like a luxurious spa weekend or finally letting her learn how to read.
Ryan probably spent twenty minutes trying to convince that canvas he had a latex allergy before reluctantly slapping on a half-opened Trojan he found on the ground at a Fantomas show.
Honestly, at this point I'd be surprised if Ryan DIDN'T know somebody that s*cked off at least one member of The Rat Pack.
I'd like to sit here and calmly deconstruct the offensive Italian stereotypes portrayed in this video, but my goomah just called and she finally scrubbed all the mortadella grease out of my good Sunday tracksuit. Bubsy thumbnail art from gerkk
I've had some rough experiences with law enforcement in the past, but luckily for me my kink is getting my neck knelt on by paunchy guys in polyester pants.
You ever that have reoccurring dream where you're late for school and forgot to study for a super important test and when you finally burst into class you're in your underwear and there's a shadow demon with the voice of your mom holding your severed penis in a crystal goblet? Yeah, me neither.
Sure, women say they want a man in touch with his sensitive side, but burst into tears the second she touches your penis just once and see how fast that Uber shows up.
Okay, who picked Multiplicity in the "New Funhaus Obscure Mid 90s Movie Obsession" pool? I just lost my kid's entire college fund on The fucking Pelican Brief.
Jeez, with all the options out there you'd think 2.2 billion people could find a better savior than a foot fetishist with daddy issues.
I imagine the scene of Ryan entering the sperm bank is a lot like Norm walking into Cheers, except before the staff can shout his name, Ryan c*ms all over everything
In Japan, hanging out room full of pregnant spiders is the #3 most popular after work activity, right below karaoke bars and those clubs where you pay a woman dressed as Cinnamoroll to scream at your penis for an hour.
I know Creator Clash has its heart in the right place, but making all those sick kids fight streamers just to get their medicine seems pretty messed up.
I'm a lot like Garfield in that I love lasagna, I hate Mondays, and regular exposure to my poop has been known to cause miscarriages, especially in women over thirty.
I'd worry about offending some Canadians with this video but I'm pretty sure their YouTube is limited by the government to old Caillou episodes and grainy clips of the 1987 Canada Cup.
What's really scary is to think that modern psychiatry might not even exist today if Sigmund Freud's mom had been just a little less f**kable.
Sure, people on dating sites all say they love to travel, but drive them across one state line and suddenly it's nothing but "Why isn't there a door handle?" and "Please, I have a family!"
My family couldn't afford a PlayStation when this game came out, but I did spend most of 1995 chained inside a rusted ice cream truck so I think I get the gist of it.
Take it from me. You pick up somebody else's newborn in the real world and and start running, you'd better believe ol' Connie from hospital admin is gonna give you an earful.
Bram Stoker's Dracula combined all the thrills and chills of high end residential real estate acquisition with the subtle gothic eroticism of Tom Waits eating spiders.
Ah, the good old days of cinema, when Italians portrayed Native Americans, Latinos, Arabs, or anyone else too dark to be played by Micky Rooney in a wig and false teeth.
Thank you all for watching the Ryan Hailey Seed Retrospective. Stay tuned for the In Memoriam segment in which we honor all those slick, squirming little troopers that were mopped off the clinic floor.
Those undignified Doraemon urinals are only for tourists. Real native Japanese people are paid to relieve themselves overworked, clinically depressed businessmen DRESSED as Doraemon
The editor might be too old to even spell rizz, but not me. I've got so much rizz, I don't even know what to do with it. I talk to a woman in the club and rizz just starts shooting out of me. Later in bed, women tell me that most guys take a lot longer than forty seconds to rizz, so lately I've been rizzing by myself beforehand.
You expect us all to believe that Ryan had access to some drugs and saved them for later instead of immediately ingesting or inhaling them? Suuure. Next you'll be telling us that he has a checking account and owns two matching socks.
Jacob's new favorite sex act is called "The Rancor." That's when right as you're about to finish, you shut your partner's head in a window while a shirtless chubby guy in harem pants cries from the corner.
Efil ruoy ni stsohg naht smelborp tnatropmi erom evah uoy siht daer dna esrever ot emit eht nekat yllautca evah uoy fi.
Of all the movies that feature Molly Shannon getting blasted in the face by an infected pimple, Osmosis Jones is easily in my top three.
Jacob's new favorite sex act is called "The Attichitcuk." That's when you wear nothing but a dusty old fur coat and an Oculus, then pleasure yourself in the middle of your family's living room.
Just in case the call from Survivor comes in, Ryan starts every morning by keistering a spool of twine, four waterproof watches, a tallboy of Bud Dry, and the t-shirt he got for his walk-on roll in Memphis Beat.
Which button do I press to make a creepy 28 year old floor manager spend half the rush being WAY too interested in the dating life of a 16 year old hostess.
Jacob's new favorite sex position is called the "Endor Feast" That's when you get spit-roasted by a bunch of short hairy guys until a dude covered in gold body paint orders them to stop.
Check out the LOST footage from our most recent episode of Jacob's Jedi Academy! Only for Funhaus Members!
The media loves to portray being in the C.I.A. as so glamorous and exciting, when it's really mostly just paperwork and flooding inner cities with crack.
Join the boys next week when they laugh for a full six minutes about periods and do that thing where you and a friend lock your fingers together, then spread them and peek inside
Jacob's new favorite sex act is called "Jabba's Last Sail." That's when you pay a woman in a gold bikini to choke you out while three men wriggle their hands around inside of you.
And lo, it has been written, do not be led astray by the artifice of these smooth, sinewy, and deliciously shredded angels of the host! True servants of the lord only spill their seed upon the dust to eight-winged eyeball monsters. Amen.
If you suddenly realize you forgot to buy TP, don't panic. Just grab some newspaper, a handful of leaves, the cover of a Highlights magazine, or anything else within arms reach of your ex-girlfriend's welcome mat.
Jacob's new favorite sex act is called "The Mustafar Crawl." That's when you crank up the heat in your apartment, have your partner sit on three of your limbs until they go numb, then drag yourself to the bed with your one good arm.
This video is brought to you by Christian Rock! Christian Rock: Helping youth pastors get to second base with their teen students for over fifty years!
Somewhere right now, Patrick is sitting in a cozy chair, feeling the delicate flutter of his new child's heartbeat against his chest, and is f*cking livid that we didn't make our fighter look like Turin Turambar.
Jacob's new favorite s*x act is called " The Sebulba." That's when you and your partner run laps around the house, then give each other angry foot-jobs until morning.
I haven't been to the gym in awhile. What color leg warmers are people wearing these days? And which side of my running shorts are my balls supposed to peek out of?
It's always the little things that get you caught cheating, like late night texts, a crumpled hotel receipt, or that tiny smear of lipstick she finds on your a**hole.
When the OJ verdict finally came in, the kids in my high school were so shocked that they stopped giving me a pink belly for six whole seconds before pantsing me and tossing my Farscape novelization into the toilet.
I haven't seen Jacob this angry since he found out they started letting all those girls in Afghanistan learn how to read.
I think I'll pass on this Mario Kart ripoff until the DLC when I can play as my favorite new Disney acquisition: Rennervations first assistant director Jayant Rao.
Ah, 1996. 7th Heaven taught us how to love, Suddenly Susan taught us how to laugh, and a bottle of Herbal Essences taught a young Bones to be careful choosing what to beat off with in the shower.
Of the $300,000,000 budget of the original Lord of the Rings Trilogy, nearly twenty percent went exclusively towards hair and makeup scrubbing loads out of Orlando Bloom's extensions.
I cranked it to Rogue so much in the 90s that to this day, every time I hear the word "sugar" I instantly make an Omega Level mess in my chonies.
Was 1997 the peak of disgusting, bloated, wonky, rock-hard, fake tiddies, or do I need to adjust the dial on this time machine?
At my wedding, Jacob refused to leave until he had proclaimed Prima Nocta on my wife, the officiant, four caterers, and the middle tier of our cake.
And now, THE definitive Hollywood Chris rankings: 1. Meloni. 2. Pretty much all the other ones tied. 3. Kattan 4. Pratt
In 1998, Will Smith dominated the airwaves, releasing three hit singles, topping the previous year in which he released two teaspoons of what would eventually become Jaden.
Used cars? What are you, some kind of disgusting poor person? I buy a new car, use it for a week then throw it away. Like contact lenses, or a condom.
Oh yeah, smart guy? Well, if Y2K never happened then why have I been drinking my own filtered urine in this bunker for the past 23 years?
Don't forget to phrase your enraged shrieks of frustration and disbelief in the form of a question.
Treasures from Ryan's storage unit include six broken papasan chairs, two milk crates full of iguana eggs, some reeaaally unconvincing Dixie Carter deepfakes, and the poop that killed Elvis.
Now, I'm not saying Train's 2000 hit "Meet Virginia" is the ONLY reason they flew those planes into the towers. "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down wasn't doing us infidels any favors either.
So I guess a Mensa membership is just something you get for a few bucks on the internet, now? Like those cards that say you're a minister, or a drifter's kidney.
Tune in next time for the "All Ryan Cage Match Spectacular" featuring Sith Lord Ryan, Pastafarian Ryan, a VERY nude F*** Farm Ryan, and Post Sperm Donation Sleepy-time Ryan.
Ryan looks like he smells like the lost and found bin at a Jack Johnson concert.
Funhaus Movie Trivia Time! Did you know that Bill Paxton is the only actor ever to be killed by a Terminator, a Xenomorph, a Predator, and a stroke?
Man, I haven't seen Jacob this on edge since that time his illegitimate son almost found out his address.
Starting next week Funhaus will transition into an all pop culture character fight simulator channel. We were thinking of calling it something like Demise Skirmish or Extermination Sortie.
"Do you like apples?" "Yeah." "Well, apples stahted being domesticated 4000–10000 yeahs ago in these wicked tawl mountains in Central Asia. How d'ya like that infawmation?" -The informant! (2009)
Jim Henson was taken from us far too soon. But take solace in knowing that right now he's up there in heaven, shoving his hands up the butts of the angels.
To prepare for his roll in Brick Mansions, Paul Walker spent five months pop vaulting over women of consenting age on his way to the local high school.
"I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out . . . particularly in and out. I'll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier! [I'll come back as] a Tampax. Just my luck! My luck to be chucked down a lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down.” -Charles III, King of the United Kingdom and other Commonwealth Realms
The only prepping I'll be doing for the apocalypse is deciding if I want spend it as a leather-clad pass around sub, or a blood bag strapped to Omar's Tesla.
"Ensign Peters, please report to the holodeck immediately for an unscheduled maintenance check. The away team just had a three day orgy in ancient Rome and "boldly went" all over the walls again.
Hey, gorillas. Don't let Jacob's little anatomy lesson get you down. Just do what I do and angrily accuse your mate of having the world's biggest vagina until they brain you with lamp and run to their ex boyfriend's house.
Did the sidekick from Home Improvement really host Family Feud for a minute, or is that just the Howie Mandela Effect messing with me?
Those coin pushers at Chuck E Cheese were a great way to pass the time while waiting for the staff to hose most of the diarrhea out of the ball pit.
Apostasy! I was taught that only God could design the throbbing, sinewy grace and delicate yet complex flavor of a horse.
This video is brought to you by Whippits! When you just can't wait for your next batch of Jenkem to ripen, reach for Whippits.
If you understood Patrick's Redwall reference and would like to know more, please send us a self-addressed stamped envelope so I can come to your house, swat the inhaler out your hand, and toss all your SeaQuest novels into the trash.
The Italian Ice of my people is a lot like tradition shaved ice except instead of covering crushed ice with syrup, we cheat on our wives. Mama mia!
Finally, a comedy channel with the courage to take on the fourth most popular band of the shortest musical trend of the last half decade of the twentieth century.
Trust me, those gas station boner pills never work. I once shoved a bakers dozen of them up my pee-hole and all I got was a UTI and some dirty looks from the guy behind me trying to buy scratchers.
I'd like to pleasure my self to thoughts of Velma's heaving bosom, but every time I close my eyes Phyllis Diller and the Harlem Globetrotters show up to kill the mood.
Who do I gotta ear-f**k to get an entire member exclusive episode of Demo Wheel, anyway? What? Nobody? It's already finished. Well, if you change your mind, feel free to bring those wrinkled, waxy little beauties around here any time.
Lovecraft may have been an unapologetic racist, but boy could he almost sort of vaguely describe a thing that was scary.
Haha. My Nana liked to toss back a few glasses of wine every night too. Well, technically is was straight gin. And the sun was usually out. And if you tried to pour it in a glass she'd grab the bottle, call you a p***y, then fall asleep watching Mr. Belvedere.
Man, in high school I had those giant chunky skate shoes, the baggy pants, backwards hat, and half the Blind catalog in my closet. A skateboard? Are you nuts? Those things are dangerous.
Roller coasters, Tom Clancy, and mom feet are all here to make you slightly sick in this week's members only episode of Demo Wheel!
Don't forget to use your Ryan the Clown punch card. Buy five party packages at the regular price and receive one free quart of surplus Hailey seed!
Can next week's special guest please be somebody whose career is teaching editors how to remember their own comedy bits?
"The NeverEnding Story is the moving tale of a level headed, hard-working father's quest to get his p***y son to throw away his sci-fi books and quit crying about his dumb dead mom. It's no This Boy's Life, but still a solid attempt at an underrepresented genre. 5 Stars!" James Willems
It's in videos like this that Jacob's background as an unlicensed freelance monotreme urologist comes in pretty handy.
Whatever. I pleasure myself with a crucifix all the time and you don't see me making a bunch of movies about it.
We figured out that in a true zombie apocalypse, Ryan would last slightly longer than he does during the average seed donation.
A true crypto bro eats nothing but the finest imported wagyu beef and drinks nothing but the purest champion thoroughbred horse semen.
Join Elyse as they spit out bread and slap fish on rocks while playing Gollum for you lovely Funhaus members!
Other side effects may include cystic acne, hair loss, jaundice, infertility, and a rare but serious condition known as Sudden Wrestler's Family Death Syndrome.
Sometimes I wish it was still 2016 so I could title this Set Phasers to C*m, or Spum, or something equally hilarious. But having a wife and kids is cool too, I guess.
The Reverse Bear Trap? Isn't that the thing when you find a plump hairy dude and pay him to walk through the woods all night with you clamped naked around his leg?
Jacob's favorite new sex act is called "Spawning." That's when you and an ovulating woman sit on opposite sides of a kiddie pool, and you release load after load until the surface is covered in froth.
Jacob's new favorite sex act is called "The Love Rollercoaster." It's basically just foreplay but you have to keep your hands and feet inside your partner at all times.
You know if this was the old version of the show we would've titled this "The South Mouth of Sauron", then broken our wrists high-fiving each other for the rest of the day.
I really thought I'd make it through my entire life without ever having to imagine what a prolapsed urethra looks like. Funhaus, however, had other plans.
Superman The Movie: Omnipotent refugee seeks to serve humanity rather than rule them. Superman II: The sins of the father return to haunt Earth's faultless savior. Superman III: I dunno. Richard Pryor's there and I think Supes gets a blowie on the Statue of Liberty? Superman IV: F*ck it. Put some Flo-Jo nails on that blonde guy and shine the Jon Cryer Signal!
The position is called "Amazon Style" and while it may seem a little emasculating, there's nothing more manly than having your d*ck snapped in two by the slightest of missteps.
Somewhere right now sits a very confused Jacob Fullerton, climaxing uncontrollably into his Destiny chonies every time these boys say the word "cloaca."
Much like Kubrick, Charlotte also made James and Patrick run the stairs scene 127 times. Luckily, Jacob nailed getting blown by a man in a dog costume in one take. Guy's a f*cking pro.
Spoiler Alert: Jon spoils the inside of that fish pretty bad.
People fantasizing about f***ing a cartoon bunny is childish and absurd, especially when there are so many real rabbits out there who are ready to go.
Well, that about does it for this season of Demo Wheel. Time for you to wipe off your bellies, clear your search histories, and try to look your families in the eye again.
Jacob's new favorite sex act is called the "Tom and Jerry." That's when you dress your partner up like a mouse and chase them with a frying pan as an old woman shrieks at you while standing on chair.
I swear to god, if I have to watch one more string of pearls snap and scatter onto the soiled pavement of Crime Alley, I'm gonna take a tangerine-sized dump on Bob Kane's corpse.
In case you're wondering if you're metal enough to enjoy this video, just look down. If you're not wearing a fluffy green dragon onesie you're probably okay.
Some guys will try and tell you that sex doesn't feel the same when you wear a condom, but believe me It feels just as shameful and embarrassing no matter how many rubbers you slap on.
Green: Will. Yellow: Fear. Red: L'appel du vide. Blue: Da Ba Dee. Purple: That uneasiness you feel when you see a Muppet's legs. Amber: Your energy, whoa-oh.
Did you know that if you scramble Damon Lindelof's name you get "modal ninefold"? And that 9 squared is 81. And the 81st episode of LOST focuses on Linus attempting to fi- aw fuck it. They were just in purgatory, weren't they?
There were going to make a FantaMan video game but devs shut it down when his origin story was revealed to be... problematic.
In the center of the Ryville town square there stands a statue of its courageous founder. In one hand he holds the town charter, hastily scrawled onto a McGriddle wrapper. In the other, a Powerade bottle brimming with frothy ejaculate.
Right now, somewhere in Northampton, a seething Alan Moore is berating his mother for adapting one of his childhood drawings into a page in her scrapbook.
Jacob's new favorite s*x act is called the "Queen Amidala." That's when you let so many people finish on your face that it's completely white except for three little spots on your cheeks and lower lip.
Sit back and enjoy all the Demo Wheel bits that were... too funny I guess? Only for Funhaus+ and RT First members!
In 1987 Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing was first released, instantly replacing homemade ASCII p*rn as the most boring thing to do with a computer.
Go sábhála Dia ár Rí grásta! Go maire sibh ár Rí uasal! Dia shábháil an Rí! Seol buadhach air, Sona agus glórmhar, Is fada an rí orainn, Dia shábháil an Rí. Do bhronntanais is rogha leat Ar sé a bheith sásta a dhoirteadh, Go maire sé i réim. Go gcosnódh sé ár ndlíthe, Agus tabhair cúis dúinn go deo, A chanadh le croí is guth, Dia shábháil an Rí.
This case is truly the "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" of twelve year old sandbox games featuring insurance claims investigators.
Jacob's new favorite s*x act is called the "Bacta Soak." That's when you spend all day in a hot tub wearing nothing but a diaper, then make out with your sister.
Every pic on the Salute Your Shorts IMDB page looks like somebody's last known photograph.
Jacob's new favorite s*x act is called the "Canto Bight." That's when you and your partner spend all day trying to find someone hot to bang, but end up double-teaming some rando with a speech impediment.
The Santa Clause wasn't really a holiday staple in my house as a kid, probably because my dad went to prison for throwing a guy off a roof.
Some people call me a Grinch around the holidays just because I don't like to give presents and I have a congenital heart defect.
I don't know, but after twenty-three seasons spread over five series, I'm beginning to think that maybe it's the people that are the real monsters?
Jacob's new favorite s*x act is called "The Greedo." That's when you and your partner do a bunch of hand stuff under a table and take turns shooting first.
I know our mental health resources are stretched, but could somebody please go do a wellness check on every single person who purchased the extended editions of The Hobbit Trilogy?
IN T_ _ TIM_ IT TOOK YO_ TO SOL_ _ T_IS YO_ CO_LD A _ F_D YOU_ NANA SO_P O_ GI_ N _LOOD O _ LD A MET _A_Y _ _T NO. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
IN T_ _ TIM_ IT TOOK YO_ TO SOL_ _ T_IS YO_ CO_LD A _ F_D YOU_ NANA SO_P O_ GI_ N _LOOD O _ LD A MET _A_Y _ _T NO. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Jacob's new favorite s*x act is called "Tusken Raiding" That's when you're part of an orgy but you all bang each other single file to hide your numbers.
Universal Studios tour guide is a great job for someone who wants to break into showbiz but lacks the fiery charisma of the guy dressed as a minion in front of Grauman's. Follow Us On Social:
Even with a production budget of $93,000,000, ILM couldn't create a Tea Leoni that looked like she would be willing to bang William H. Macy.
My mom chose to deliver me by a rarely performed type of C-Section. She just smoked a pack of Camels and drank a six pack of Coors and out I came!
Let's be honest. The best any Funhaus member could hope for in an apocalypse is a brief but eventful life as a limbless pleasure torso.
You know, I give the French a lot of sh*t around here for being contemptuous, humorless, chain-smoking adulterers, but to be fair I've actually interacted with French people. Follow Us On Social:
James prays to a framed still of Crud Bungo every night before shooting his ass full of silverback pre-cum or whatever he's using these days to get a pump on.
Welcome to Funhaus, the internet's ONLY comedy, gaming, and variety channel since 2015! Disclaimer: This video is for entertainment purposes. All third-party intellectual property mentioned or featured in this video is that of their respective owners, and any use of third-party intellectual property in this video does not imply any endorsement or association between the rights holders. This video is not affiliated with, authorized, sponsored, or officially connected with the owners of any third party intellectual property mentioned or featured.
Congratulations to Pat DiFazio of Saugus, Massachusetts for picking Jason Biggs in our "Which Irrelevant Celebrity Will the Gang Skewer Next" pool!
Almost no waist. Cans the size of yoga balls. And the face of a melted Kris Jenner wax statue. In other words, perfect.
Check out all the Sims body mods too nightmarish for the masses.
Does anybody know if there's an easier way to get spider powers, because I'm running out of uncles to watch slowly die in my arms.
We mod Cyberpunk 2077 to within an inch of its breaking point. Plus, nude trains.
Welcome to Funhaus, the internet's ONLY comedy, gaming, and variety channel since 2015! Disclaimer: This video is for entertainment purposes. All third-party intellectual property mentioned or featured in this video is that of their respective owners, and any use of third-party intellectual property in this video does not imply any endorsement or association between the rights holders. This video is not affiliated with, authorized, sponsored, or officially connected with the owners of any third party intellectual property mentioned or featured.
Welcome to Funhaus, the internet's ONLY comedy, gaming, and variety channel since 2015! Disclaimer: This video is for entertainment purposes. All third-party intellectual property mentioned or featured in this video is that of their respective owners, and any use of third-party intellectual property in this video does not imply any endorsement or association between the rights holders. This video is not affiliated with, authorized, sponsored, or officially connected with the owners of any third party intellectual property mentioned or featured.
